(no subject)

Friday, 22 April 2011 03:11 pm
eighthphase: (joshua//pulling the trigger all wrong)
So I've been thinking about it lately, and while I like to think of myself as a pretty realistic person, I am superstitious about some really weird things. For example, I believe that names are monumentally important things, and not just in a "well what the hell am I supposed to call you/it" kind of way. A name means something about a thing. We give things names that describe what they are or what they do - or what we want them to be like or do. We give people names for the same reasons - say you name your kid after a favoured character or actor. Presumably, you do it because you want your child to grow up to possess some of the qualities of that person you admire. Or maybe you just give them a name you've always liked the sound of. The name has a certain je ne sais quoi - and, just maybe, so will your child.

I also believe strongly in talismans. I don't think that objects have inherent power of their own, even if it would be nice if they did; rather, I think that objects have whatever powers we give to them. A person's lucky charm isn't lucky on its own; it's lucky because that person thinks it's lucky. I'm really dead set on making myself a proper replica of the seal key, and the star key, not because I believe that they're magical on their own, but because they're a physical representation of the invincible spell, which is one of a very small number of things keeping me from just giving up on everything right now. They're a symbol of a promise I've made to myself, that I won't just feel sorry for myself when things start going south for me, but will instead do everything in my power to improve things. Crying won't solve anything, but there are other things I can do that will, and so I will do them.

Just because I don't have those talismans, however, doesn't mean that I haven't made that promise. I have to remember that. It's so easy to just feel sorry for myself, but that doesn't mean that I can, or that I should - regardless of whether or not I have something to remind me of my promise.

(no subject)

Monday, 18 April 2011 08:37 pm
eighthphase: (keats//in the stacks)
Continuing from an earlier tumblr post:

I’ve figured out that it’s pretty easy for me to write essays (which is what I’m actually supposed to be doing right now, though I’m not). It’s not so easy for me to write things that matter - I’m afraid of messing them up, of not getting the words right. And all my stories matter. So it’s hard for me to write them, even though I really want to.

Realistically, I know that I can always revise whatever I write. If it isn't right, if it doesn't flow properly, if it isn't true to the characters... I can fix that. And yet, I feel like, if I don't get it right the first time, that I'm letting my characters down, or something. They all mean something to me. Even if I'm closer to some of them than to others, they're all, essentially, a part of me - a part that I created, in boredom, in depression, in euphoria, in dreaming. They all deserve to have their stories told properly; I owe it to them, if not to myself.

And yet, when I read their stories and try to continue them, even though I can see exactly what's happening, exactly what's going to happen next, I freeze up. I don't know how to express it properly, how to put what I'm seeing and what I'm feeling into words. I want to capture that moment, and I fear that if I do it inadequately, when I return to my document, the moment will be lost. And in the hesitation caused by fear of losing the moment, I write nothing, and cause it to be lost anyway.

I know what I need to do. I need to push through that fear and just write. If it's not perfect, that's okay; I can make it perfect. But I have to have something to work with before I can do that. So I'll just turn the music up real loud and see what I get. If I put my all into it, I'm sure it'll turn out all right.

(no subject)

Saturday, 16 April 2011 09:36 pm
eighthphase: (noctis//look back on last november)
It's time for another sappy journal entry! :D

So, first, this. The link takes you to one of his blog entries with the full text, which in turn links to a fan video with that as its closing. Between that and the #SINGitforJapan video, I'm sitting here more than a little blubbery.

I guess I'm due for another blog post about my future. I haven't done one in a while, though I almost did the day before my birthday. I'm eighteen now, after all. It isn't very old, when you think about it, but it's old enough to be considered legally responsible for my own self. I'm an Adult, now, whatever that's supposed to mean. It's not as if I'm suddenly out on my own or anything. Nothing's different at all, let alone anything significant.

If I think too hard about this I'll put myself into hysterics, so I'll try to refrain, for my own health. I don't know what being an Adult means. I'm still in high school, for crying out loud! I don't know what I'm going to do for a living. I don't even know what I'm going to do come fall - am I going to university, or to community college? Am I even going to go to college at all? Will I even be able to? Will I have a job? Will I even have time?

People act like you're supposed to know exactly what you're going to do for the rest of your life, long before you're even legally an adult. I don't know what I'm going to do. Does anyone? In high school there are often guest speakers who say things like, "It's okay if you don't know what you want to do, nobody knows at first," or, "It's okay if you change your mind! Everybody does!" or, "If you haven't done perfectly that's okay, you can always make up for it later." Those are nice things to hear, but ultimately they feel meaningless, because guest speakers aren't there all that often, and when they aren't, all you hear is about how your decisions and choices here and now will affect you for the rest of your life and how you can't mess up now or your life will be ruined, forever, and it gets more than a little overwhelming.

All my friends are getting ready to go to university - and they're all going to universities, basically. They can't wait to get out of high school, to leave home. They're counting down the weeks. Meanwhile I'm sitting here choking up about the idea of going to community college, about how I just finally got used to high school and now it's about to end. I don't want to leave home. I'm not ready. I'm barely even used to being who I am, to being in my own skin - and I'm supposed to have my life all planned out already?

But, ultimately, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I am or am not ready for anything. Life will come at me, whether I want it to or not, and I'll learn to live with it eventually. It might take me longer than my friends, than my peers, but I'll figure it out. I usually do. I just need to stay as true to myself as I possibly can - I'm finally starting to figure out who that is, now. It certainly took me long enough, but I found it in the end. If I can keep hold of it, I'll be all right. If I keep being myself - with all the good, and all the bad, that it entails - I'll be okay. Even if it takes me a while, so long as I keep doing the things that I do, the things that I love, I'll make it in the end.

I'm sure I'll be all right. It's Sakura's invincible spell, and I think it might be mine, too, because it hasn't failed me yet.

(no subject)

Sunday, 19 September 2010 02:57 pm
eighthphase: (tsubasa//leisurely)
Had fun at the ren faire! I kind of wish I'd eaten more, and it would have been nice if I hadn't almost fainted near the end, but overall it was fun. I bought a couple of things, including a rune for inner peace (that might just replace the silver cross da bought me, as far as my talismans go) and a gorgeous leather-bound journal that I'm moving my Inoue Chronicle outline into stat because it's just too pretty a journal to not use. (I probably should have bought a bigger one, but I didn't want to spend too much and I didn't like the look of most of the larger ones.)

Caught up on my soc reading, mostly! I have to do the supplementary readings for chapter three (there are two for this one, unlike the last two chapters) but I did finish reading chapter two and then read all of chapter three. I don't remember what the supplementary readings are; I still need to download them. ^_^; I'll probably do that later, though.

I spend a lot of time working in AVID class; mostly stuff I should probably actually be doing at home. It's actually helpful when doing physics homework, because I can't just decide, "Well, this blows; I think I'll go play with the cat" or something (though I can and do decide, "Well, this blows; I think I'll check my email" or something; thanks, Lancelot!) and also because I can ask our other tutor (I honestly don't know his name. I think it's Jeff, but I don't remember for sure) for help, since he's also in my physics class.

At the same time, though, I think I actually do better work at home, or at least not in AVID. AVID class is loud and busy, and I've found that it's a little harder to concentrate now that I'm not the only tutor, because now I have someone to distract me. I also miss being able to listen to my instrumental playlists while working; they tend to be quieter than my lyrical playlists, so I can't hear them over the noise in AVID. It's a shame, because they also tend to be less distracting, since I'm not trying to follow along with the lyrics, so I can focus more easily on, say, my soc textbook.

Of course, I also only tend to really get work done at home when people aren't bothering me for whatever reason, which usually only happens when there's no one around to bother me... but still, at least I have that opportunity at home, whereas I don't in AVID.

Also, random thoughts of the day: I just finally realised that media is the plural of medium! (Also that librum is the plural of libra, but I think that one's more easily excused, as the only time someone ever uses either word is when talking about horoscopes.) And I also realised that I have an irrational dislike of the "such as" construction, as in, "In other countries, such as Vietnam..." I think it sounds stiff and unnatural and I will never ever use it, even if it is a perfectly valid construction.


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