eighthphase

So I've been thinking about it lately, and while I like to think of myself as a pretty realistic person, I am superstitious about some really weird things. For example, I believe that names are monumentally important things, and not just in a "well what the hell am I supposed to call you/it" kind of way. A name means something about a thing. We give things names that describe what they are or what they do - or what we want them to be like or do. We give people names for the same reasons - say you name your kid after a favoured character or actor. Presumably, you do it because you want your child to grow up to possess some of the qualities of that person you admire. Or maybe you just give them a name you've always liked the sound of. The name has a certain je ne sais quoi - and, just maybe, so will your child.

I also believe strongly in talismans. I don't think that objects have inherent power of their own, even if it would be nice if they did; rather, I think that objects have whatever powers we give to them. A person's lucky charm isn't lucky on its own; it's lucky because that person thinks it's lucky. I'm really dead set on making myself a proper replica of the seal key, and the star key, not because I believe that they're magical on their own, but because they're a physical representation of the invincible spell, which is one of a very small number of things keeping me from just giving up on everything right now. They're a symbol of a promise I've made to myself, that I won't just feel sorry for myself when things start going south for me, but will instead do everything in my power to improve things. Crying won't solve anything, but there are other things I can do that will, and so I will do them.

Just because I don't have those talismans, however, doesn't mean that I haven't made that promise. I have to remember that. It's so easy to just feel sorry for myself, but that doesn't mean that I can, or that I should - regardless of whether or not I have something to remind me of my promise.

It's time for another sappy journal entry! :D

So, first, this. The link takes you to one of his blog entries with the full text, which in turn links to a fan video with that as its closing. Between that and the #SINGitforJapan video, I'm sitting here more than a little blubbery.

I guess I'm due for another blog post about my future. I haven't done one in a while, though I almost did the day before my birthday. I'm eighteen now, after all. It isn't very old, when you think about it, but it's old enough to be considered legally responsible for my own self. I'm an Adult, now, whatever that's supposed to mean. It's not as if I'm suddenly out on my own or anything. Nothing's different at all, let alone anything significant.

If I think too hard about this I'll put myself into hysterics, so I'll try to refrain, for my own health. I don't know what being an Adult means. I'm still in high school, for crying out loud! I don't know what I'm going to do for a living. I don't even know what I'm going to do come fall - am I going to university, or to community college? Am I even going to go to college at all? Will I even be able to? Will I have a job? Will I even have time?

People act like you're supposed to know exactly what you're going to do for the rest of your life, long before you're even legally an adult. I don't know what I'm going to do. Does anyone? In high school there are often guest speakers who say things like, "It's okay if you don't know what you want to do, nobody knows at first," or, "It's okay if you change your mind! Everybody does!" or, "If you haven't done perfectly that's okay, you can always make up for it later." Those are nice things to hear, but ultimately they feel meaningless, because guest speakers aren't there all that often, and when they aren't, all you hear is about how your decisions and choices here and now will affect you for the rest of your life and how you can't mess up now or your life will be ruined, forever, and it gets more than a little overwhelming.

All my friends are getting ready to go to university - and they're all going to universities, basically. They can't wait to get out of high school, to leave home. They're counting down the weeks. Meanwhile I'm sitting here choking up about the idea of going to community college, about how I just finally got used to high school and now it's about to end. I don't want to leave home. I'm not ready. I'm barely even used to being who I am, to being in my own skin - and I'm supposed to have my life all planned out already?

But, ultimately, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I am or am not ready for anything. Life will come at me, whether I want it to or not, and I'll learn to live with it eventually. It might take me longer than my friends, than my peers, but I'll figure it out. I usually do. I just need to stay as true to myself as I possibly can - I'm finally starting to figure out who that is, now. It certainly took me long enough, but I found it in the end. If I can keep hold of it, I'll be all right. If I keep being myself - with all the good, and all the bad, that it entails - I'll be okay. Even if it takes me a while, so long as I keep doing the things that I do, the things that I love, I'll make it in the end.

I'm sure I'll be all right. It's Sakura's invincible spell, and I think it might be mine, too, because it hasn't failed me yet.